I have dealt with death before.
All my grandparents have passed away.
There was everything leading up to their passing,
Then the mourning, which everyone knows,
Never really ends. It’s just something you learn to carry.
Then I watched my parents go through all the practical hassles
Of settling the estate: planning and paying for funerals,
Insurance, probate, managing medical bills,
Selling the houses, hauling furniture out to the curb.
A veritable slog of phone calls and paperwork.
Even now, eleven years after my grandmother died,
A life insurance policy we never knew she had
Has surfaced, a small payout that has to be distributed.
But this is the first time I’ve had to do something
Even remotely close to this.
The vet gave us a quote.
The appointment has been set.
Now, as I go over the monthly budget,
I realize I need to add a line item,
But I can’t bring myself to write it in.
I will wait until afterwards.
I will label it with her name.
The Ledger
Lauren Scharhag (she/her) is an award-winning author of fiction and poetry, and a senior editor at Gleam. Her latest poetry collection, Moonlight and Monsters, is now available from Gnashing Teeth Publishing. A short story collection, Screaming Intensifies, is forthcoming from Whiskey City Press. She lives in Kansas City, MO. https://linktr.ee/laurenscharhag
I feel touched by your poem; it conjured memories of the losses of my grandparents who all died of “natural causes.” My parents, on the other hand, both died due to the failure of their lungs. Mom had lived with asthma for many years but finally her lungs failed her entirely. Then, some years later, my father succumbed to an mysterious, untreatable failure of his lungs. He had been an avid hiker and wildlife enthusiast; it was difficult to see him weakened and unable to hike anymore. I still miss them terribly.
“It’s just something you learn to carry.” How true . . . and now tears are rolling down my face as my grief wells up. Miss my parents so much at Christmas time. Dad always found a beautiful tree and Mom baked wonderfully delicious cookies.