i open the calendar with all my husband’s meetings logged into it, checking for gaps between them, wondering when he’s squeezing in lunch or if he would want company
i open the daycare app again and again, hoping for pictures, reading the notes for the day’s lesson plans—it’s social-emotional learning week, and they’re learning how to hold and care for baby dolls, to name their feelings and sit with them and breathe—picturing what cute friends he might be sitting with for his morning snack of yogurt and pear slices
i open the app with all the pictures, see memes about being middle-aged and anxious and i genuinely lol, i drag my finger down the screen and see videos from beautiful people telling me about their magical new moisturizer, i drag my finger and drag my finger, looking for a face i recognize and when i finally do, the feeling i want to be feeling does not quite feel right
