I. Digestive Changes: Interview, Small 2-Year College, March 2015
While part of my brain organizes lesson plans and
tries to remember the school’s mission statement, another
is hearing Dr. G when I complained about
painful periods, and acid reflux (carrots and peanuts
randomly a problem) telling me it would all go away if I
lost a pound or two, better yet, how about ten.
II. Pelvic Pain: Interview, Large Public 4-Year College Regional Campus, May 2017
Something’s wrong, but I don’t know it
yet, or rather I don’t know how awfully
wrong it has still to become. I think it’s
just the same old wrong it’s always been,
though not always, just the last few years,
but that’s close enough to always
to dismiss it as normal. Pressure
in my pelvis, anger at the world (but
only three days each month), struggling to
balance a 4/4 course load while applying for
jobs with 5/5s and 6/6s. Turning down a
second interview, I can’t explain to my
friend on the search committee how
scared I am by the thought of that schedule.
Something is wrong, but I don’t want her to think I think she
works too much, don’t want her to
think I think I deserve more, more, more, or
I guess, it’s more like less, less, less.
Sometimes less is more.
III. Fatigue: Interview, Public Ivy, April 2018
When the assistant dean asks me
what I think should be done with
students who fall asleep in classes, I
answer wrong, I know I do, saying
“Let them sleep, they must need it.”
That’s what I had been saying to myself as I
crashed out grading or researching something.
That’s what I told myself as I
struggled my way to campus each morning.
IV. Frequent Urination and Lower Back Pain: Interview, Large Public 4-Year, June 2018
When I ask the secretary for
breaks after every hour-long session, I
know how suspicious it looks. With my
big black purse that rattles and bumps.
Would it be less weird if I
tell her I really did just need to pee?
Yes, every hour. No, I’m not pregnant
(Yes, I’ve taken a test), offer her
Advil from my giant bottle. She recognizes the
sound of pills on plastic. Should I mention the
back pain that never goes away no matter how much
stretching and strengthening I do? Would she even care?
V. Constipation and Bloating: Water Cooler, New Job, August 2018
Everyone is sharing tips for constipation.
It’s an office full of women, so we
talk about bloating too. It’s the
first time I’ve experienced this and it’s
not like in the commercials where the
water weight is just an inconvenience, where
days can pass without a shit and
all that’s wrong is you’re a woman
and here, take one of our pills.
VI. Ease of Satiety: Lunch Break, March 2019
Apple. That’s it. I ate an apple,
leaving my sandwich still in the
breakroom fridge, forgotten.
Finally, I think, this must be
what it feels like for a body to
eat only what it needs, to stop wanting
so god damn much.
